Growing

It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

I really believe the quote from Joyve Maynard is all too true. Raising children forces you to look at your own life and makes us ask ourselves, "are we doing the best we can??".

At some point in our lives as we raise our children we have to realize we can only do so much to protect, guide, and support them. When they become adults, it will be up to them to make right choices, reach their own goals and be positive happy people.

I have watched amazing good people raise children who grow up, leave home and make some heartbreaking choices. I myself have done just that on many occasions. But I now own my own faults and do not put blame on those who helped raise me.

As most of you know both my parents passed away when I was still very young. My father died of a heart attack when I was 5 1/2 and my mother when I was barely 12. This played a huge impact on my life, this is true. But it did not define all that I am today. It has helped make me more empathetic, open minded, and realize we only have today. Tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I try so much to live life to it's fullest. To see the glass half full, and yes, I want a more "Polly Anna" attitude!! I would much rather strive to be a positive, helpful uplifting person than wallow in misery and live in sadness. This is MY choice.

I choose more and more to hold on to good memories, strive to surround myself with compassionate, positive people who share the same faith. I want to share my time who show me love and push me to be a better woman.

In order to be strong, I have to let go of my past and those who only want to use me. Toxic people are easy to spot. I will become a better parent if I choose to learn from my mistakes and learn how to become a happier person. I must make some serious changes and in doing so let go of some people I have shared my life with but no longer are healthy for me.

I chose to avoid these types of people:


1. Attempting to intimidate you by yelling or becoming violent in any manner (slamming a door is violence).
2. Consistently talking down at you, sending the message that he or she is just plain better than you.
3. Regularly telling you what he or he/she thinks is wrong with you.
4. Slandering others behind their backs i.e. trying to engage you in gossip that is hurtful to others.
5. Spending the bulk of your conversations complaining about his or her life and others.
6. Discouraging you from pursuing your interests and dreams.
7. Attempting to take advantage of your kindness and resources, and trying to make you feel guilty if you don't do what he or she wants.

I also keep in mind if I have done anything for others to want to act in this manner. I chose to offer a sincere apology, and if the apology is not accepted, I can at least choose to walk away knowing I have at least tried to own up to my behavior. I also believe in the statement, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Toxic people who you do not have to co exist with on a regular basis will reap natural consequences in due time. WALK AWAY!!

In my life I now choose to be close to immediate family members, relatives and friends that I have good reason to respect. They enrich my life and my children. They bring me much joy. And as I have already stated, I realize our time here on earth is limited.

I love this quote:

"It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up -- that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I have lived a sort of crazy life thus far. I have had joy, sadness, excitement, heartache...but now I am striving to live my life with more dignity and grace. This quote has inspired me today and I hope it will inspire you as well:

"Grace means more than gifts. In grace something is transcended, once and for all overcome. Grace happens in spite of something; it happens in spite of separateness and alienation. Grace means that life is once again united with life, self is reconciled with self. Grace means accepting the abandoned one. Grace transforms fate into a meaningful vocation. It transforms guilt to trust and courage. The word grace has something triumphant in it." - Yrjo Kallinen

In order for me to become the parent I wish to be, I must try harder at become the woman I know I can be.

I so want my children to live safe, happy, rich in love lives. It will require sacrifice, patience, endurance, and so much faith.

If my husband and I work together to make ourselves more Christlike people, I know in my heart that Spencer, Katie, and Lacey Jane will have a far better chance at achieving all that is good in their own lives.

I am so thankful for those who have touched my life for good and who have loved me through good and bad. I am blessed.

Not Feeling Alone.

How the time seems to slip away from me these days. I think back to yesterday, last month, last year....regrets, warm fizzy feelings, and sorrow. Trouble has nipped at my feet and I keep running. But through all this I feel the love and prayers of my family and sweet friends. I know I am never ever alone. I feel protected and accepted. I am starting to see the glass half full, and smile more often and cry with more happy tears and less and less from sorrow. I laugh more and find more friends worth keeping.

I stumble, I fall, I get scared at times when I think of the unknown. As much as I want it I know there will be hard times. But the feel those prayers, I recognizing my achievements. And soo enjoy seeing those beautiful children of mine grow into wonderful, good little people. It brings me much comfort and sooo much gratitude for what my Father in Heaven has given me.

Feeling protected by the prayers given to me in my behalf has given me so much strength. I realize how much they have helped me grow and pick myself up when I stumble time and time again. I am thankful for the love of those amazing friends and family.

I am not going to promise I will never make mistakes. Lets be honest! No one is perfect! I can not say I won't have hard times that will never feel fear and slip an fall again. But in my heart I know I will become stronger with each passing day.

I want to take this time to share my gratitude to my friends and my family for helping me, for loving me, and accepting me for all I am and all I am not. I know who i want to be and I know they can see my potential. And the good ones never judge me for what horrible things I have done in my past.

I realize I must feel the loss. I must feel the regret in order to change and heal. I so want to feel love for myself. I so want to be able to love others more fully. I know I as I gain back what I have lost I will be able to love more deeper and you will be able to see his image in my countenance once again.

I realize not everyone view Heaven as I do. Not all will agree with what I know to be true in my own heart. But when I do feel his love I so want my family and friends to be able to feel that same warm feeling I get when I do what is honest, good and right.

My destiny lies within me. My mistakes, my achievements are my own doing. But without the encouragement and love from those I treasure, I know with all my being I would not become the best I can be.

I want to forever be with those I love. And with all my heart and soul I know that LOVE will find a way to lead me back to where I know I belong. The love and kindness of those I love the most in this world and those who have gone back to where I will one day return push me to becoming a more honorable and faithful woman.

To know my Heavenly Father loves me is a such a sweet thing. To have faith there is another world I will one day return to if I am true and faithful is such a comfort to me. I so miss those who have left this world and are in a better place. But I know I will embrace them once more.

Am I crazy?? Some people reading this may giggle or disagree with my beliefs. And that's OK with me. We are allowed to have our own free agency. We are allowed to live our lives as we see fit. But for me I can no longer live with regrets. I must live what I know to be true. What I believe to be the meaning of happiness is my faith in my God. He loves me and wants me only to find joy and find my way back to him. He knows my life from being to end. He knew I'd make mistakes. He knew I'd have pain and sorrow. But he also knows my gifts and talents. He wants me to grow and enjoy this life here on earth.

Bonding with my family and friends will be the greatest and bring me the most joy in my lifetime. Spending time with those who I find dear and want near me pushes me to become a better mother, sister, wife, friend...All those roles are what matter most to me in this world.

So thank you to one friend in particular that messaged me tonight on facebook. I was inspired tonight to not be lazy but to write in this blog tonight. To not allow others to share their love and gifts with me would be a tragedy. To not push myself, (even though for it can bring on fear) to give of myself, my gifts, my love would also be a tragedy. I find a way to do better in engaging in the things of this world that matter most. Real joy comes from giving of yourself and reaching out to others with the pure love of Christ.

I am not trying to be preachy or push my beliefs on to my friends and family. But to go through this life without expressing my gratitude and not to share what I believe will bring true joy in my life and yours would be a regret of mine. And as I already expressed, I want to change feeling regretful about what I do and not do in my lifetime.

It is my hope that my loved ones will forgive me of all my wrong doings and hurtful things I have done to them. I am truly sorry. For those I have offended and hurt, I wish to ask forgiveness. I am not perfect by all means. But I am trying. And with your love, prayers, and support, I know I will become the woman, mother, wife, sister, and friend I sooo want to be.

I love you all with all my being.

~LaCresha

Trials and Blessings in 2009

In life change is constant. You think you have way more control than you may really have. But in reality we can only control so much. But one thing that stands true for all of us is that change is constant.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else."

Change doesn't have to always be bad, as long as it's in the right direction.

So, as I always do, I have taken inventory of our year. I can honestly say it has been one of the most taxing years I have ever lived through. It is when I made the choice not to fear my future, but to have faith and to welcome a new challenge that I felt more peace and comfort. Not comfort that everything would go my way, but peace that it would be OK no matter what the outcome. Being miserable just wasn't working for me. I had to do something about the grief, regret and sorrow I felt about my past mistakes. Taking inventory helps me to realize how much stronger I have become and that with change can come wonderful blessings.

To one person a trial may seem like a walk in the park and silly to even give a second thought to. But to others, it may seem like the world is a cruel lonely place to live in. It is perspective. So while you read my blog I encourage you to take your own inventory.

Look at what a difference a year can make....

Brent was laid off for most of the year............................Brent now has close relationships with the children he may not have had otherwise.

Our Puppy Lola passed away..............................we were able to teach our children about life after death and to open up the lines of communication. We express ourselves and feelings we may have so much better now.

I had to search for a job....................................I found the job the first day, hired the very next day. I have become more confident and secure. It's amazing how much stronger I have become because I was forced out of my comfort zone. I have achieved so much more than I thought I ever would.....and I am still learning.....

I was diagnosed with diverticulosis and was so fearful of what it was before the diagnoses...................................Having this disease has pushed me to eat healthy, and in doing so feeling more healthy, I am able to accomplish so much more. There is no secret to losing weight. But it is funny how when we experience discomfort and pain, the lifestyle changes we are willing to accept. I feel so relieved that it is not anything more serious and with proper diet, I can be pain free. If you do not have your health, nothing else matters as much.

I was dwelling on our financial situation so much it made me depressed and miserable...........as a distraction we grew a garden. The whole family has learned so much about science, health, and nature. Next years garden will be even better!

Brent's parents moved to Utah...............................we appreciate them more and we now plan to visit our family more in Utah.

Lack of funds has put a damper on extra "things" we enjoy.............................we appreciate what we have more, and we have become more creative. We have talents and gifts we never knew we had.

My oldest is growing up and went into Junior High...................................we savor every moment of childhood. He received the Priesthood............an honor to have in our church.

Our Van had issues through out the year..................................because we only have one vehicle, we have learned to take better care of what we own and to appreciate it more too. It has forced us become more organized and to communicate better with each other.

We lost Grandpa Gray..............................................another life teaching lesson. We love deeper and continue working on having empathy. We treat each other with kindness more often.


I could go on and on. I am sure I have left out something. But that will have to wait for another day.

We all have our own battles and weaknesses. We all have our strengths. I am focused more on building my loved ones up, instead of tearing them down. I appreciate the support and encouragement I receive from those around me. I sure hope I can pay it forward.

Sweet Moments

I'm 35. I am still in my robe bought by the hubby several years ago. I love this. It is what I want at this moment. The house is empty except for the crazy kitty and Bash, the wonder dog who loves to eat toilet paper, the cat food, and maxi pads.

Never in a million years did I think my life would be as it is at the moment. I make such bad choices. I'm 35 and still in my pink robe for goodness sakes!! It's 10:16 A.M.!! LOL But, still, this is the least of my choices that I am ashamed to admit. And yet, here I sit still in that robe that should have been washed weeks ago.

How on earth am I supposed to create sweet moments if I keep making the same mistakes over and over?? Why do I deprive myself of happiness for a few moments of pleasure??

Men are that they might have joy. I suppose the definition of what brings joy will vary from one person to the next. But the basic principles behind how we obtain joy remains the same. By making correct decisions the pathway to joy will become more clear and I can break away from those things which stunt my personal growth and may even have an eternal effect in my life. Am I willing to give up all the worldly things that continue to ultimately bring such sorrow into the very core of who I am.

Who I am and who I wish to be are very much two polar opposites. True, I am a bipolar 35 year old lady living in your average run of the mill town in Northern California. But my mental illness is not a gateway to blame all my troubles on. I must face those troubles head on regardless of my illness. I can not an will not allow this to be a crutch in which I use an out to why I screw up. Sure it's no fun to deal with, but it's no excuse.

In my blogs I will keep some things sacred. But for the most part, what you get from these blogs will be straight forward, and honest. I call it as I see it. I am sassy. I tend to be impulsive and selfish. I can be an ego driven crazy lady who just wants to live for the sweet moments, drive away the bitter thoughts, and love the ones I cherish.